Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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