I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
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Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."