You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
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"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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