What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
