I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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