I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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