he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.