I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
