is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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