Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize