I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
