Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How's your threesome situation going?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today