you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
