then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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