Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.