Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
why do cheetos always look like penises
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
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Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.