saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
sex in a hospital.. check
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
