you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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