If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
