The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?