Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.