She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
