Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
