What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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