Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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