He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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