I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
