I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.