god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something