Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
