i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
