My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you had me at cake vodka
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
