Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.