highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"