I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.