I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She needs sedatives and a leash
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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