Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
