There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
