We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
