I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
