If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
