I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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