The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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