make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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