I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
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Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.