So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
