i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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