I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
