my mouth tastes like poor choices
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize