Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
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It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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