Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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