I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
