you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
