she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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