i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
